Sweetie, I Love You. No Ifs, Ands, or Buts . . . .

We had decided earlier in the week that Todd and Rollie would leave Thursday evening and go down to visit his parents in Auburn. (Well, actually, they now live 20 minutes outside of Auburn in Dadeville, on Lake Martin.) Todd suggested that this might give me a break, since I would only be taking care of one child at a time, and it would give me more freedom to get out of the house, since carting a newborn is (I see now that I have a toddler) immensely easier than wrangling a toddler in parking lots.

I quickly agreed to this suggestion, as Rollie would get tons of attention from the grandparents, MeeMaw (his great-grandmother), and Aunt Sherry, who would be in town for the weekend. Also, my mother was planning on being in town to help Lisa and I address Lisa's wedding invitations on Thursday night. She said she would stay with me on Friday night, so in my mind, I would be with Mom and Lisa on Thursday night, then Mom would be with me on Friday night, and then I would just have to get through Saturday night on my own. It probably sounds ridiculous, the thought of a veteran mom being scared to stay alone with a 4-week old baby, but really, i have very good reason. Matilda turns into a DEVIL BABY at sundown. You do not want to be caught alone with her. Not without your holy water.

Todd arrived home on Thursday afternoon and began packing Rollie's things. (This does not require much packing, as my mother-in-law likes to be eternally prepared for the visit of a grandchild, to the point that if a stranger entered her house on a random day that said grandchild was not visiting, the stranger would still assume that a child lived there. It is always prepared for visits, from the full-on nursery, down to the highchair in the kitchen with a crisp clean bib folded neatly on the tray, just waiting to ensnare a little neck. We really only have to bring the naked child and all other necessities [and a whole lot of not so necessary things] are provided for us, free of charge.)

It was at this point that my sister called to inform me that Mom was here, but that Dad had called and our grandfather, Pop, was not doing well. He had taken a fall, and Mom was going to spend the night and then return home on Friday morning. Well, I must admit that I felt somewhat apprehensive about not one, but two, evenings alone with the Spawn of Satan. Really, it is three nights, since i wasn't planning on spending the night with Lisa. I told Todd that maybe I should just go with him to Auburn, so I don't have to deal with her all by myself. I could tell that he wasn't too jazzed about this idea. (Let's be honest, shall we Dear? In going to Auburn, you get to pawn Rollie off on the 'rents, and head into town on Saturday to watch the game with the boys! You might even spend the night. I understand. I would do the same thing. But let's just call a spade a spade - this "give Annie a break from two kids" arrangement is, shall we say, "mutually beneficial.") I toyed with the idea of asking him to stay home, but thought that seemed ridiculously wimpy. I mean, how much havoc can one 8 pound body wreak on an able-bodied, sound of mind adult?

Oh, how I underestimated the little featherweight!

Todd and Rollie and Matilda and I all left the house at the same time. She proceeded to cry her guts out from the exit of our neighborhood, through downtown, all the way to Lisa's apartment. She chilled out as soon as she was in my Mom's arms, of course, because she never reveals to outsiders that she is indeed evil; part of her insidious evil is that she only reveals it to her haunted parents, or any unfortunate soul who is forced to spend an extended evening period with them. Soon enough, though, the jig was up - she could conceal her angst no longer and spewed forth with an exorcist-calibre crying jag. We made it through dinner and me addressing 14 invitations before we were kindly asked to vacate the premises.

We returned home in time to get in a feeding, with the hopes that we might get some sleep after that. Nope! We cried again for 45 minutes, during which time I put in a teary-eyed call to the Johnsons (phone off the hook - foiled by Rollie!) where I again put her on the boob, then called my mom at my sister's for support. They wanted to know if they could come over, but I was just too embarrassed at having the breakdown to take them up on it, plus, I knew they both needed rest, too. I then left a near-hysterical-sounding crying message on Todd's cellphone, really knowing he wouldn't get it.

I finally managed to get her to sleep after another two sessions on the boob. This was about 1 am. She then woke up at 4am, and again at 6am. I went back to sleep after the 6am feeding and she slept well, but I was awakened by my mom arriving at 8 or so to check on me.

I decided there was no way i would call Todd and ask him to come home. I went to the mall, just to get out of the house, and by the time I got there, i had to go directly in and feed her. then, I went to find something to eat. She cried the whole time I was bolting down my food. We walked around for a while, and she dozed off in the stroller while I looked around. (They have Christmas stuff out already! Sick!) I then realized that I had just enough time to get to the car, drive home, and feed her. I (like an idiot) took the downtown connector at 2:30pm on a Friday. I hit the wall of traffic downtown, at which point Matilda woke up and cried for the next hour. And who could blame her? She was hungry.

Got home, fed her, and then she slept for about an hour. Then she woke up, had a feeding, and began the evening cry-a-thon. Inconsolable crying for hours. This was the low point, where I walked about the house in the fading light, crying my eyes out, and debating my options for ways of preventing me from jumping out of a window. My mom was back home. Lisa and Mark were at a tasting for their wedding menu. Todd was in Auburn, with plans to see his Aunt Sherry that evening (we only see her about once a year), and plans for Saturday night to ditch Rollie and watch football with his buddies.

This was the low point, the point where I called him and asked him to come home. I had debated back and forth. On the one hand, I knew I wasn't absolutely going to go crazy and kill myself and Matilda, but on the other hand, I needed Todd. I was tired, depressed, and frankly, very, very lonely. I think that is the realization that I have taken from this weekend. Todd was trying to do me a favor, giving me a break from Rollie, and some time alone. But what i needed was companionship. I spend all week by myself (with two kids, but they don't count), and come the weekend, I am looking forward to having him around. This is pretty difficult for me to say: That I needed someone there. I am an independent woman! I rarely need someone! But here I am, saying it out loud (and on the Internet): I needed you, Todd.

And I think that I need to make an effort to get out and meet more people in our area. People with kids, and people who stay home with those kids. Sure, it will be a month or so before I can take Matilda any and everywhere, but I need to make an effort. I never want to feel so lonely again.

So, Todd, I am sorry that I took you away from your friends. You know how much I support your need to get out with your friends (and you support mine), so I really, really wouldn't have asked you if I didn't really need you.

I love you so much for not asking questions, and just asking if you needed to come home that night. I love you for coming home and folding me in your arms. I love you for being the husband, father, and friend that I knew you were when I married you, and for being so much more that I never imagined.

Love,
Annie