Four Months

Matilda, you are four months old today. I cannot believe that in four months, you have so irrevocably changed my life. Life with one child still gives you the illusion that you are new to parenting, that you still have one iota of coolness, that you still hang on to your carefree youthfulness. Having a second child changes that forever. You become a family. Of four. With a minivan.

You blow bubbles at me now to get my attention. You shake your head back and forth and yawn when you are fighting tiredness, which is always. It is as if you cannot stand to miss a single second of your oh-so-exciting life: "Look, Mama is cutting her toenails! MUST.STAY.AWAKE." I try to get you to nap in your crib, but you fight it so much. You will cry and cry, then fall asleep for maybe 20 minutes, then you are back to the crying and waiting for me to come save you. You are different from Rollie in this way. Rollie was a great sleeper, great napper, and didn't want to be held nearly as much as you do. I sometimes get exhausted from how much more attention you require, but I usually get over it in the moments when I have time to watch you sleep and reflect on my love for you.

And I always melt at dinner time: You are whining because you want to be held. Daddy comes in from the gym, and he takes a shower, then comes down and walks you around the kitchen while I cook. The entire time, you barely take your eyes off of me. When I look at you, you hide your face in Daddy's chest, as if embarrassed at the look that has passed between us. Todd mentioned that maybe it was the breastfeeding that made you so attached to me, but I really don't think that is it. i think it is that breastfeeding requires so much of our time to be together, whereas your Daddy and I spent much of our time splitting Rollie's feedings down the middle. I guess it seems more than the act of breastfeeding, it is the circumstances of breastfeeding that require such closeness. I cannot pretend that I don't eat up those loving looks at dinnertime. Daddy said it didn't make him jealous, but i know that he would love for you to look at him that way. I think he doesn't realize how much little girls come to love their Daddies and that he just needs to bide his time. You will be throwing your hairbrush at me as you yell, "I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!" soon enough.

In the mornings, you wake up like a shot! There is no languorous lounging in the crib. The minute the light wakes you, you let out a wail that wakes the neighborhood. We say you are zero-to-sixty in no time flat. You are, but as soon as i peek over the side of the crib, you let up and give me a big smile.

You are becoming a more efficient breastfeeder these days. You will eat ravenously for a few minutes, but now you become more distracted by your surroundings as you fill up, and you let go, not wanting to miss a thing. I am enjoying our breastfeeding experience more, now that it doesn't hurt. I would be lying if I said I won't be a little sad when it is over. I would also be lying if I said sometimes I can't wait for it to be over. You eat every three hours during the day now, which works out to about five times a day, or occasionally a sixth feeding if it works out better for us to get out and about during the day. You wake around 7:30 and you go to bed about 8:00. We are trying to get it back another 30 minutes, but i am not complaining about 11 hours or more of sleep at night, even if you refuse to nap well during the day. I am working on the naps, though.

You are laughing now, especially when you watch Rollie running and jumping around. You think he is the cat's meow. I hope you will always feel this way about him. Siblings are so precious. You also laugh when I tickle your feet, or kiss or raspberry your tummy. You laugh when Daddy holds you and i sneak up and say, "boo" or we pretend that i am chasing you and Daddy around the kitchen. Rollie usually gets in on this, too. Your laugh sounds a little goofy, but Daddy says he always found girls who snorted when they laughed attractive, so there is hope. Maybe one day, you will be lucky enough to marry your own band geek from Alabama.

You HATE tummy time. I insist you do about ten minutes every morning, but it usually ends in you crying so much that you spit up your breastmilk and then lie in it for about five minutes until i realize it. Sometimes I will sit with you on a blanket on the floor, watching you roll around, holding toys over your head, and making you laugh. You cannot roll over yet, but you do roll over on your side and lay there. Or if someone walks around you on the floor, you will crane your head back as far as possible trying to follow them with your eyes, and you will find yourself on your side. You are now holding your head up when we put you on your tummy, but sometimes you lose it and your head conks the floor. Kind of pitiful-looking.

You can kind of hold your weight on your feet when I hold you upright. You like that position, almost as much as your favorite, which is being held and walked, with the world moving by you as you watch.

You love Quint's dog kisses almost as much as mine, Rollie's, and Daddy's. You laugh when he walks by your bouncy seat - he is right at your eye level.

You are starting to squeal and make more noise at us, and you will do it to get our attention. I can't wait until we start having more conversations. I can't wait until you can walk. But yet, I can wait. Because I know i will mourn these times when they are gone. I love you, Tiller!

Here are your four month well-baby stats:
Length - 26 3/4 inches (>97%)
Weight - 16lbs, 48 oz. (95%)
Head circ. - 42 cm (75%)

Love,
Mama