Dear Diary

I was thinking last night about the exhibitionist nature of blogs. It began with me thinking that I was looking forward to a little writing this morning, as I have found that my daily musings are a great outlet for whatever I have pent up inside me at the time, and that I always feel relieved of it after having written about it. This reminded me for some reason of the exhiliration I felt upon receiving my first diary as a girl. It was a hardbound book, in multi-striped, primary colors. I never wrote devotedly every day, but that striped diary lasted me for years. It had a little brass lock and key on it, and I guarded that key with my life, for a girl never wanted anyone to read the private thoughts in that diary. And private they were - sure, they were the ramblings and thoughts of a young girl, but they were thoughts meant for no one's eyes but my own. (And Dear Diary's of course.)

I began thinking about the freedom of being able to write things never meant for public consumption, vs. the crafted blog entries I write these days. While I do get relief from writing about my daily life in my blog, there are still things that i think about that I would never publish on the Internet. Sure, I don't mind talking about excrement and vomit, and starting my period (a subject that used to be solely for the eyes of my Dear Diary, but has now become as natural and shameless as eating a piece of pizza). I talk about my strange political views and I debunk myths about stay-at-home-motherhood. I admit, to the public, that sometimes I want to throw my children out of a moving vehicle. But there will always be a part of me that is kept separate from these posts. Things that preoccupy the deepest, darkest recesses of my mind. Thoughts and hates and fears and dreams and embarrassments and stomach-turning regrets that i would reveal to no one else, not my husband, best friends, sister, or maybe even aloud to myself. No, those are for me and my Dear Diary. I think i need to get her out. It's been a long time since I've really flushed out this mind of mine.