This is War!

There is a game, little-known but in parenting circles, of entering a toy store with a particular goal in mind: To seek out and purchase the most annoying toy in creation. My personal best? Probably this purple dancing Boohbah. We purchased it for Jason's daughter Elle, and it is still the topic of much discussion over a year later. Let's just say that we are marked for revenge acts . . . .

Congratulations to second runner up, Camille, for bestowing upon us that charming yellow and black front loader, complete with heavy metal music button and remote control cord that wraps around the front loader when it does donuts, ending in a crescendo of Rollie's crying when it must be extricated from its lifeline by Mama approximately once every five minutes.

Folks, we have a winner! Yesterday, August 27th, 2006, my son Rollie opened up a gift that was so brash, so annoying, so . . . loud, that Todd and I thought we (in our sleep-deprived, slightly hung over state - Thank you, Jason P. and Allison for a lovely evening!) would never make it past the kids' bedtime and into our own beds. Dear God, how can anything be this annoying? First of all, it is a PT Cruiser - I find PT Cruiser owners kind of annoying, and I am not sure why that is, except that I always wonder just what message the owner of a PT Cruiser is trying to send to the public. I mean, what do they think that the car says about them? Anyway, the car just irks me. Add to that the fact that this particular incarnation of the PT Cruiser has buttons on it that make it:

• Flash its lights
• Beep repeatedly in a warning-like sound, as if to say, "Be forewarned, this is going to make your mother start popping the little pills."
• Rev its engine.
• Peel out in a forward direction, complete with screeching tires.
• Proceed at full throttle until it hits something, wherein it repeats the beeping warning signal, before repeating the whole process in reverse, like a terrible, mind-obliterating boomerang.
• When it has been idling for a few seconds, it prompts the child to "Press forward or reverse, NOW!" in what can only be described as a WWF wrestling announcer's voice. It continues to repeat this, over and over, until the child pushes a button (any button, for God's sake! Just push one! Make it stop!) or, if they have become distracted by . . . oh, I don't know, the fucking 500 other beeping, screeching, talking, music-playing remote control toys that said child received for his birthday, then it gives one final warning that it is "Shutting down now! Shutting down now!"

Oh, did I fail to mention that the toy workshop of Satan has also given it a button that when pushed plays LIVING fucking LA VIDA LOCA? People, I can't make this shit up. Location of said PT Cruiser at this moment? Hidden high on a shelf in the coat closet, safe from the little man's eyes. Parenting rule #1: Out of sight, out of mind.

Our deepest congratulations to Harmony and Paul for winning the World Series of Evil Present-Giving. See you in April for Gabe's birthday, bitches. Payback is hell.