It Was Only Beer, I Swear!!!

I recently spent four days at the beach with my sister and a couple of girlfriends. This was the first time I had been away from Matilda for more than a night, and it was quite an adjustment. Okay, who am i kidding? It was fucking wonderful.

There is a weird feeling that you get after having kids for a few months, where you start to feel them as an appendage to your body. I read somewhere that having a child is like having your heart walk around outside of your body, unprotected. Truer words were never written. To see them injured makes you feel physically uncomfortable. When you have children, any time you are not with them, there is a constant feeling of having lost your purse or keys or sunglasses. You pat at your pockets, and on top of your head where your sunglasses might be propped, and then you suddenly realize that what you are missing is your children, who are safely at home, tucked in bed by Daddy, or Aunt Lisa, or Grandma or Papaw.

The flip side to this constant feeling of absence, is that when you experience fun or relaxing things after having kids, you really experience them. Children make your life more full, and they make the moments that you are not with them almost hypersensual. You are so used to being attuned to what they are doing at every moment - Are they near the fire? Are they near water? Don't walk out of the bathroom while they are in the tub. Is that ice cream spilling on the couch? Is he messing with the dog? Don't let the toddler step on the infant on the playmat. Don't let the toddler chase the dog, who might then step on the baby on the floor. . . blahblahblah, ad nauseum.

Sure, margaritas tasted damn good before, but now? Drinking your first margarita of the day, lingered over with friends, with the possibility of having one or two more, with no responsibility for getting up with children the next morning? That is something that can only be truly appreciated by the parents of the world. A leisurely walk on the beach, no handholding or leg clinging? Pure bliss. You decide you must run to the liquor store for more tequila? An absolutely exhilarating thing to realize you can grab your keys, flip flops, wallet, and ID and that is ALL YOU NEED. No diaper bags, pacis, diapers, extra change of clothes, sippy cups, cheerios. . . .

My recent trip to the beach included two periods of time when I was entirely alone on the beach. For one afternoon, there were other sunbathers there, but i had an umbrella, a cooler, a sheet, and an IPod to myself. I laid on my tummy in the sun, watching the waves crash to The Shin's "New Slang," The Stone Roses "Waterfall," and The Cure's "Plainsong," and drinking cold beer out of a "Different Day, Same Hangover" coozie. The seagulls on the sand next to me seemed fluffier than I'd ever seen. I had the urge to touch everything. (Beer only, i swear!!!) My toes wiggled in the cool sand as if they could ground me. The wind in my hair was a caress from the hand of God, and I felt like i was floating. Everything was just . . . more than i remembered it ever being before.

It was a beautiful, memorable thing. It was one of the best moments of my life. I love Rollie and Matilda. I love being with them, and cannot imagine not being able to return to them. But children make everything in your life sweeter, even the times when you are without them. Especially the times when you are without them.